Power Verse
by JR-Boone
Summary: Future Pezberry, married and living the dream, with a few major inconveniences and bumps along the way. A dialogue only fic written by myself and FoxChaos.
1. Chapter 1

"Wait a minute… Santana, didn't we already talk about thi-"

"We did. And you said you'd be down so shhhhh."

"I do not recall agreeing to this at all…"

"You said, and I quote 'if there wasn't a chance we'd get caught'. Well, we're not gonna get caught."

"Oddly enough I don't consider the closet next to your office 'private', Santana Lopez…"

"It's completely private. I even installed a lock. Look at it. See. No worries. And I sent all the staff out on a long lunch."

"... … This is ridiculous and I'm going now. I don't know what I'm going to do with you. This is that ridiculous underboob tape recorder plot of yours all over again."

"Hey! That was fucking genius and I still maintain if it had been Lady Hummel taping it to the underside of his junk there would have been a week of songs dedicated to it. That was genius. This is genius. And...oh and no matter what you say...this is hard, Rach."

"You have a hand, sweetie. I love you, but not enough to go down on you in a small closet, in a public space."

"Ugh Rach...fiiiiine. I guess we'll just go to lunch. For the record I was going to make this way more than worth your while."

"I'll make it up to you tonight, I promise. You're cute when you think you're being sneaky and clever."

"I'm fucking adorab-...shit…uh Babe...did you happen to grab that key that was sitting on my desk?"

"I did, but I figure you need some time to yourself. I'll let you out in 20 minutes, dear~ See you in a bit!"


	2. Chapter 2

"Are you serious right now, Rachel? You know that one is my favorite."

"Saaaaannn. We watched it five times last weekend. Five!"

"But it's soooooo good. And to be fair how many times have I watched Funny Girl? Just guess."

"Funny Girl is a classic AND stars the phenomenal and eternally talented and beloved Barbra Streis-"

"Two-hundred and sixty-four times Rachel-"

"I am both amused and proud that I have influenced you to the point where you actually kept count. Do you have a list, too?"

"I scratch it on the wall like prisoners with life sentences."

"Don't be crude."

"I'm not being crude."

"Yes you are. You're disrespecting and making light of prison culture."

"And you're disrespecting my need to get my Fast and the Furious on."

"You don't even watch the plot! You just stare at the women and their chests and asses!"

"I do to watch the plot! You know how strongly I feel about Vin Diesel's arms!"

"That is not the plot, Santana!"

"You know I don't have to take this. I can go watch it on my laptop. The agreement we've made is I pick, then you pick, then I pick. And I wanna watch something with explosions and cars."

"And asses. And boobs. And Vin Diesel's arms."

"They're amazing arms!"

"Oh for- I should have left you in that closet."

"You did! For twenty minutes! Do you know how boring that was? Now all I wanna do is curl up with a good movie and my wife and relax!"

"Is this my punishment for that? Because I bought you a sandwich during that 20 minutes and you said I was forgiven. You can't take back forgiveness, Santana. We agreed to no take-backsies when it comes to apologies and accepting said apologies."

"No. This is not punishment. If I were trying to punish you I would put in the movie. You know which one. Don't make me go there."

"You- You can't! It's written in section 2, paragraph 3 that THAT movie is strictly for revenge purposes and you already forwent your opportunity for revenge by accepting my I'm Sorry sandwich!"

"Oh you mean the dry sandwich with absolutely no bacon on it? Yeah that's a real big apology. Now make a choice. We either get Fast in the Furious or it's gonna be Dance Magic central up in here in five minutes."

"You accepted the sandwich! And said I was forgiven! You can't break contract, Santana!"

"And you said that you were going to make it up to me tonight. Section 5 , paragraph 4 states explicitly that all spoken agreements are binding. You said 'tonight' so therefore you are obligated to still fulfill that agreement. It is not my burden to bear that you didn't specify how you were going to make up for leaving me in a closet for twenty minutes with a hard-on and dry, baconless sandwich."

"You PLANNED THIS! You knew I would never agree to the closet sex OR remember to specify how I would make it up to you, only that I would promise to do so! While I am very impressed by your forethought, I'm also very upset at having been manipul- … Alright. You're right. I did agree, you outsmarted me, and therefore we can watch your movie. I won't even slap you every time you make vulgar commentary about the other women, despite me being right next to you."

"First off, how could I have planned you locking me in a closet. And second...why do I feel like I'm being setup for revenge? And don't think I don't see you staring at Michelle Rodriguez like she's a piece of...well not meat...but like a piece of something you wanna bite every time we watch this."

"Sweetie, put the movie in."


	3. Chapter 3

"Well, that went wonderfully. Wasn't that fun, Santana? I think that was incredibly enjoyable."

"Why do you hate me? Why Rachel? What could I have done that warranted that?"

"Two months ago. Fast and Furious marathon. Unlike you, I know better than to openly or verbally accept 'apologies' when I fully intend on getting my revenge later on."

"Jesus Christ really? All for that? You waited two months! Where did you even get that many trained pigeons?!"

"I know a friend. The show was rather stunning, I think. It's not my fault you have a ridiculous and fairly comical reaction to pigeons any time they fly within 20 feet of you."

"You are evil. Brilliant, but evil. And I love you, with all my heart. But you do realize that this means war correct?"

"Wrong. I retaliated to shots that you fired first. You explicitly stated in the contract that when the burden of revenge was exchanged a total of once per person per event that initiated the battle, the final attack was the one to even the score. Specifically so that we would be unable to break into all out war. In other words, anything attached to the closet incident, which this is, because of the Fast and Furious incident, cannot be used against me, or you technically, in future attacks."

"True. I'm very impressed that you remembered that. Let me guess. You probably pulled out the contract and read through it in preparation for this event?"

"Not all of us have near-photographic memories when it comes to legal documentation. So yes. I did. I also referenced my personal lawyer just in case."

"Oh sweetie. Love. You should fire that lawyer, because if they had done their job correctly they would have read the fine print more thoroughly. Article 4, paragraph 3, section 8, parenthesis 3, all acts of revenge must be of equal or lesser scale than the original offense. And I would think that having me chased down Broadway by a flock of demonic trained birds is on a slightly grander scale than a movie marathon. Wouldn't you agree?"

"I don't think you realize how much I hate that series. And I we watched all of them. All of them. You had 5 minutes of, hilarious, panic. I had several hours of mind-numbing boredom. Also, I am willing to make a deal with you if you drop this as is. And no, I'm still not going down on you in that stupid closet. But you'll like this."

"Despite the fact that you really could have just gone into another room if you hated those movies that much, I'm interested in what you have to say."

"I agreed to watch the movies with you, as per our deal of choosing movies for movie night. I know it's the only reason you stick around, and awake for Funny Girl. That said; we'll be going to LA in two weeks to visit Mercedes. How much does joining the Mile High Club mean to you?"

"You are playing a dirty, dangerous game Rachel Berry-Lopez. What if you can't come through with your end of this deal? That club is hard to get into for a reason. Namely it's sex on an airplane."

"We have luxury class, for one. And, if for some strange reason we fail, then 's desk when we stop by Lima after the LA visit. We already did Sue's, otherwise I'd offer that."

"Hmm... you make a very tempting offer, Beautiful. Is it open to negotiations?"

"Depends. You have to respect my usual hard limits and comfort levels. Otherwise, though I am allowed a certain level of veto power, yes. It is open to negotiation."

"Babe, you know your limits and comfort are the most important thing to me. I mean really?"

"You tried getting a blow job from me in a closet, sweetie. But yes, I know that the majority of the time, when you don't think you can find a sneaky way to 'fix' it, you are 100% respectful of both those things. Now that aside. Yes or no? Personally, I'd rather move on from this and go back to having regular sex on the various surfaces of our home instead of plotting against one another."

"Mmm...I'm right there with you. Okay, here is my counter offer. We forgo the mile-high club, and Schue's desk. I never mention the closet again, and my Fast and the Furious collection is shelved for one year. In exchange, there is something in LA I would like to do. I spoke to Cedes a couple of days ago and she happened to mention that a certain bitch ass blonde will be gone the week we're visiting. Meaning her room will be empty. You know what I want."

"... On one condition; you don't make me go to lunch with you when you meet up with Brittany. I know you two are still best friends but we both know the two of us will never care for one another purely because of who we are. Let me stay at home during that lunch and we can fuck on Quinn Fabray's bed as long as you want."

"That is a deal I'm happy to make. I...for the record Rachel. You know you never have anything to worry about with B right?"

"As far as you and her? I'm very much aware. But the fact remains that we don't like one another. And it really isn't even about you. We've never really gotten along save for a handful of times in high school. The less awkward time I need to spend around her faking a smile and polite conversation the better, I think. Brittany will appreciate my absence as well."

"I guess that's fair. And hey who am I to judge right? Lord knows no matter how sweet everyone is on her, I'll never not want to slap the hell out of Quinn for good measure. Now that this is all settled, what say we get back to that surface idea you had, Love?"

"Finally."


	4. Chapter 4

"Sooooooo which one do you like? I'm not gonna lie, that one in the back looks fucking adorable. Like a lil ball of hatred and fluff."

"We're not buying the kitten version of you, Santana. Oh what about the adorable white one over there!"

"You know...we could get two? I mean we have the room, and the money, and the time now."

"You're just hoping they'll be gay."

"Oh come on that's ridiculous. I mean they need a friend. What if they get lonely and shit and oh my god the one I like looked at her!"

"This is why you need to limit your time on the internet, sweetie. For all you know they're litter mates."

"Okay yes sure. Hi! We'll take that little black one and the little white one. Thanks."

"Oh good Lord… Wait- Santana are you thinking about that movie Frozen? -Santana!""


	5. Chapter 5

R: "Um… Santana… Why are Brittany and Quinn both outside of our door…? I mean I know why Quinn looks upset- or I can venture a guess, but Brittany is doing that thing where her eyes look like ice and we reset the security system right?"

S: "The hell? I have no clue. And you're ahead of me if you know why Bitch Face has her bitch face on."

R: "We didn't exactly change the sheets after our sex romp. ...Do you think if we just pretend they aren't there they'll go away…?"

S: "In my experience Quinn Fabray-"

**Q: "Open the goddamn door Lopez I know you're in there!"**

S: "Never goes away…"

R: "I'll hold off Quinn if you agree not to let Brittany slap me again. One time was more than enough, though her form was astounding."

_B: "I practiced! Quinn told me you'd appreciate it."_

R: "...The form, Brittany. Not the slap."

_B: "I appreciated the slap."_

R: "I'm sure you did, Brittany. Seeing as you were the one doing it."

S: "Which I would still like to know the details on by the way."

**Q: "We can discuss the fucking details when you open the door!"**

S: "Jesus Tubbers, you sure do cuss a lot more these days."

**Q: "Open the damn door!"**

S: "First tell me why you just rolled up on my property like I stole your spot on the Cheerios again! B what's the deal?"

_B: "I'm just here because Quinn promised I could slap Rachel again if she got in the way."_

R: "Quinn!"

S: "What the fuck Tubbers? There will be no slapping of my wife today or shit will go down. Now what is your skeeze?"

**Q: "My 'skeeze' is the lovely court summons that arrived on my doorstep this morning Satan!"**

S: "What the hell are you talking about?"

**Q: "I'm talking about your firm is suing my damn publishing company and I'm getting dragged into it."**

S: "Oh fuck me. That is out of my hands Quinn and why I took myself off the case. It's not my fault your company fucked the pooch big time."

R: "Okay, what's going on? And before you say anything again, Quinn, I want a written promise that there will be no physical violence of any sort if we allow you and Brittany into this house."

**Q: "That's what I'm here to find out Rachel. I woke up this morning and there were papers at my door saying my company is being sued for plagiarism by your fucking wife."**

S: "I'm not involved! Jesus do I have to spell it out for you, Barbie?"

**Q: "Rachel. Please let me in. Or send her out."**

R: "I'd prefer my wife have home field advantage so I'll let you both in. But no violence. Kristoff will get upset and he barks very loudly."

S: "Brittany you know you're my friend, but if you go after Rachel you're going after me too."

_B: "Wanky…"_

R: "Oh good grief… Come inside, have a seat… But not on that seat over there. That's Anna and Elsa's seat."

**Q: "You're such a lesbian."**

S: "Says the lemon."

**Q: "And you're a bitch."**

S: "Takes one to know one."

**Q: "I'm so sick of you."**

S: "Well you're free to leave, I'm not stopping you."

**Q: "Sure, I'll go if you drop the damn suit."**

S: "I am not suing you. You are being sued by a person who is using my firm. I have nothing to do with this."

**Q: "And you just couldn't have given me a heads up, could you Fake Tits McGee!"**

R: "My wife's breasts are wonderful, your opinions aren't necessary, Quinn. Nor does that have anything to do with the matter at hand. I'll jump in and remind you that no, Santana couldn't have given you a heads up, because that is illegal. Client confidentiality, etc, etc. Perhaps you should worry about proving your company's innocence instead. If the suit really is ridiculous, then it should be fine."

_B: "San's tits really are amazing."_

R: "Look don't touch, Brittany."

_B: "That's not what Santana said before."_

R: "High school no longer counts, thank you."

_B: "I'm just saying, she really loved what I did for her. High school AND half of college."_

R: "Past tense. This is present tense."

_B: "You could be past tense too, if you wanted. Maybe I'm actually future tense."_

R: "I don't and you're not. Now then. If there's not anything else to be said I think it's time you leave."

**Q: "You know she's right Rachel. Maybe 'Pezberry' should become a thing of the past. Lord knows you could do better than a back stabbing slut."**

S: "Oh Blondie you do not want to go toe to fucking toe with me on this."

**Q: "Maybe I do. Maybe me and B think things need to change. You two obviously bring out the worst in each other."**

S: "You know what? I think it is time you fucking both get out of here now."

**Q: "What about you Rachel? What do you think? You remember High School right? We could have..."**

R: "Considering you just called my wife a 'slut', Quinn, and that Brittany is now leering at her suggestively, I would feel much more comfortable if you left. We're in our early 30's. Not teens. The exit is to your left. I'm sorry this visit was so hostile, and I hope your company works its issues out to the best of everyone's abilities. Now, please leave. Both of you."

**Q: "Fine, but Lopez this is not done. Drop that suit or I'm going to play dirty."**

S: "Bitch I invented playing dirty. Now get your ass out of my house, I've got work to do on a new case I just picked back up."

_B: "Bye, S. Try to have fun with Rachel and her tiny boobs, okay? Tell me later if she got more flexible since the last time."_

R: "Leave, Brittany."

S: "Jesus Christ. I can not believe this shit. Are you okay?"

R: "Of course I'm okay. I know for a fact you thoroughly enjoy my breasts and that I am perfectly flexible enough for our sexual needs. We've been married for 5 years, Santana. As irritating as Brittany is it's hard to take her seriously when I constantly am pushed up against various surfaces because you can't keep your hands off of me."

S: "True that… I think...fuck I think my friendship with B has run it's course."

R: "Hm… I would consider it salvageable, honestly. If she at any point learns to respect our relationship. Or moves across the world. One of the two. I feel the latter is the easiest to accomplish, though."

S: "Maybe. I think though...I'm done with it. Like, I don't even know her any more. Not like I thought I did. I'm just done. You get me?"

R: "Understandable. Quinn and I went the same direction. Albeit much sooner. Around the time of our marriage, actually… Anyway. The good news is that the yelling didn't wake up the puppy and you'll be picking up some extra income from this suit. I should probably fill Kurt in before Quinn can start trying to make this a warzone."

S: "Oh it's going to turn quick I can tell you that. From what I briefly glanced by leafing through the suit papers...yeah she's in deep shit. You add that to the damn torch in her pants she's been carrying around for you since Freshmen year and it's gonna go full Armagedon real soon. I think I'm gonna have to call in Sylvester."

R: "Santana, you're 33 years old. I think you can manage this without her. Also, we're not doing anything for today besides emailing Kurt the details so that Quinn can't get everyone else jumping on us in panic. It's only noon and already I'm thoroughly exhausted. Let's just have lunch and take a nap. Or have lunch and then have sex. Mind you, the sex would probably be partly for the sake of being able to off-handedly shove it in Brittany's face that I'm cuddling and having sex with you and she isn't."

S: "I love you, Rachel Berry-Lopez. How bout we head to the bedroom now, then lunch to reenergize, then a nap? Or I could fuck you on the couch right now?"

R: "Couch it is. But I'm blowing you first. Because I know I'm better at it than Brittany ever was."

S: "Brittany doesn't even compare, Baby. Hold on one second while I 'accidentally' butt dial Quinn and Brittany into a three-way call."

R: "Take your time, dear. I might as well work on making myself wet for you."


	6. Chapter 6

"Hey Rach I'm home! Oh btw I randomly have a baby with me. Don't panic!"

"A what!?"

"Shhhh! I just got it to sleep."

"Santana Lopez why do you have a small human child in your arms!?"

"Seriously, if you wake it up you're dealing with it. It's my bosses. He voluntold me to babysit."

"For how long? Because I swear if this is anything like the time we had to babysit your second cousin I will enact a contractual amendment."

"Just for the rest of the day. He said it's mother should be by around elevenish to take it."

"For goodness sakes at least refer to the child by it's assigned gender. I know you don't care for your boss but he's not actually an alien."

"What? Oh no, no wrong idea. I legit don't know what it is. He caught me in the elevator and pushed it into my arms, threw the diaper bag over my neck, and told me to enjoy my day off. Apparently something major is going down at the office and I'm the unlucky bastard he saw first."

"He does realize that we both agreed not to have children, and if that changed it would be via adoption, for a reason, right…? It's in the contract, even. Didn't he help us write that part out?"

"No, he just did the my stuff is your stuff parts. Amy helped us with the rest of it. It's kind of cute though right? I mean like a potato with eyes. But a cute one."

"Oh God your biological clock has started ticking, hasn't it? I'm not getting pregnant, Santana. And you don't have the- the stuff for it."

"Would you chill out? Jesus you'd think I was sizing you up for maternity clothing. I'm just saying that it's an adorable baby. I thought I was the one who was supposed to be terrified of domestic crap."

"You are. You can't even wear an apron in the kitchen without having a mental breakdown about your purpose in life and lecturing me on feminism and the corporate glass ceil-"

"You would be kind of cute pregnant though…"

"Santana not one more word about me becoming an oven for your sperm or I swear I am cutting you off for the foreseeable future."

"Alright, alright, dios mío Rachel. Motion to table conversation granted. Can you at least take this baby from me? If I'm gonna be off all day, I'm not doing it in heels and a pencil skirt."

"Sad… You look fantastic in both… But fine, give… it… here… …I hope you realize that you owe me for remaining home and helping, as opposed to going into the office today, as I had planned."

"Hey I'm not stopping you-"

"Santana, you're scarily good with children, I'll give you that, but you also have a tendency to get incredibly distracted when left to your own devices."

"Haha truth. But I think I'll be fine. This little thing has a set of lungs on it that are close to yours. As soon as I figure out if it's a sitter or a stander, cause I'm sure that'll be important later, me and this kid are gonna grab us a bottle and watch some Disney."

"...At least it's not Fast and Furious… Alright… But for the record I take offence to you implying that a small child could have the lung and breath capacity equal to my 30 years of training. Now then, be good, don't burn the house down, and please remember to take Kristoff out for his walk. Making him hold it all day is cruel."

"Yes, yes I'll remember. And...we have a girl! You're a lil lady aren't you mija? Or a mijo that's going to have problems later on in life."

"I'm leaving before you start picturing me with child again. Goodbye, sweetie."


	7. Chapter 7

"Santana! Where's the- Oh good Lord again!? We JUST painted the bathroom two months ago. Why are you redoing it?"

"I didn't like the color. It was throwing off my shower vibes. Also, what do you think of black tiling? I'm tired of the blue."

"The flooring people know you by name, Santana. They sent you a birthday card last month. They were worried about your health when you didn't make an appointment with them for a job three months ago."

"It was my birthday after all and I appreciate that they care. Now seriously though, what do you think about the tiling in here. I want to match it to the new kitchen stuff but I'm not sure it will flow unless we redo the hallway too."

"Why couldn't we have kept the natural stone look? It was gorgeous and made taking a shower with the waterfall setting really relaxing. We aren't redoing the hall, it's perfect and we both finally agreed on the wood for it, as well."

"How about black lava rock then? That's natural, plus it's black which is what I want. Compromise?"

"...Depends… Are you going to tell me what's actually bothering you?"

"I told you. I'm tired of the blue tiling."

"Mmmhm. Come here, Santana. ...Now, stop acting like you're 19 again and talk to me, please."

"I...I don't even know what the problem really is, is the problem. Everything is going insane at work, and the Quinn stuff, and I just...I don't know...fuck this bathroom is small."

"The bathroom is huge, sweetie. You're feeling claustrophobic again because of your stress. Come on, let's go to the living room. One thing at a time, okay? What's happening at work?"

"I've been with that firm for six years now Rachel. I have a 97% success rate. Lord knows how much money I've made them. But who gets the partner spot opening up in the fall? Larry fucking Jacobs."

"He's your boss's nephew, sweetie. You know how this game works… I'm not saying it's at all fair. In fact it's completely ridiculous considering he's lost half his cases. But it isn't something worth beating your head over. ...Haven't you been talking to Amy and Sanders about opening up your own firm?"

"I know it's how the game works...I just...look I didn't tell you because...well hell I don't know why I didn't tell you, but this is officially the third time I've been passed for that spot. And I have talked to them, but it's just talk. It's too big a chance. I mean what if shit doesn't work out?"

"Santana… All three of you are absolutely phenomenal at what you do. Not to mention have the financial backing and enough connections separate from the firm. You have loyal clients who always ask specifically for you. A-List clients. Not to mention a beautiful and intelligent Broadway producer wife who specifically recommends you three at any given opportunity. Remember the last time you threatened to quit, and half your paralegals had their two weeks notices ready and waiting to quit with you? Eddy threw two months paid vacation and a double bonus at you to get you to stay. He's terrified of you leaving and is positive that you won't have the guts to do so. Prove him wrong."

"We'll have to move. Probably the second I put in my letter."

"Great. We can argue over flooring and cabinetry again. I've been meaning to try my hand at TV or movie direction anyway. There's no time like the present."

"You'd really be okay with this? If I do it, if we do it, it's gonna have to be fast before Eddy can lock any of my clients into firm contracts."

"My agent has been begging me to try out for some movie roles, to get me used to the atmosphere before I take directing to task. He'll be delighted beyond words and more than willing to find us a quick, temporary place to rent while we work out a permanent housing option. We've no friends left in this city besides a few from college and work that we'd easily be able to visit during the holidays and stay in touch with, anyway. Frankly, I'm willing to do just about anything to see you happy and enjoying your work again. Not to mention being properly recognized for it."

"...God I love you...Okay...okay yes. If you're sure. Call Jamie tomorrow? No call him today."

"Will do. I assume California is our destination, yes? Can we avoid LA specifically for about a thousand different reasons?"

"We can. Fuck I can't believe we're doing this… Ironically this makes the Quinn problem easier."

"Let her be Eddy's problem now. We're not telling her or Brittany where we're moving, though. And I plan on inciting the Under the Wraps Pact with our friends so that they won't be allowed to say anything either. ...Not that they really would… Kurt tells me we have majority in this whole fiasco. Sam is on the fence, Blaine is siding with Quinn for God knows why, and Puck refuses to get in the middle of it because of Beth. Otherwise everyone is voting for us."

"That's cause we're awesome. But...fuck I can't believe I'm gonna do this. Okay look, I've been back and forth, and over and under those damn papers. And frankly, the dude suing Quinn doesn't have a lot of hard ground to stand on, like at all. If anyone else tries this case but me, they're gonna lose. I'm not saying Quinn is completely innocent, but this guy's playing her majorly. Now a very large, angry homicidal part of me wants to take her to the cleaners, simply for that flower shit she pulled the other day, but...it wouldn't be right. When I turn in my letter, I drop that case, and Quinn Fabray is gonna walk clean...god that tastes nasty coming out of my mouth. Jesus...I'm the bigger person, lord I've grown up."

"You are and you have, and you can hold that over her head for the rest of her life and I won't even roll my eyes at you for it. Especially since the flowers made Kristoff sneeze and feel sick. Who knew he was allergic to roses? Vendetta destroyed them, though. I was going to tell you earlier but then I walked in on you trying to refurbish the house again."

"You know me scarily well, Beautiful. Jesus you could have ruled Lima if we had gotten together in High School."

"We've set our sights for bigger things since then, thankfully. Such as… buying an actual house with a basement and looking into that in-home dungeon we've been dreaming about since we made our wedding vows. This seems like the perfect time to do so."

"And on that note, I think some celebratory fucking is in order. What do you think, Babe?"

"Ooo, can we use the silks again? Maybe the blindfold and nipple clamps? Because that thing you did with the clamps and the vibrator two weeks ago was amazing."

"We can do anything you want, Babe, after you suck my cock."


	8. Chapter 8

"I don't know Rach...is it supposed to be so...squishy?"

"It's octopus, Santana. Yes, it's supposed to be 'squishy'. I don't know why you suddenly seem so reluctant about this. You're the one that was dying to try 'that new seafood place down the street'."

"Okay yeah, but this is super squishy...and I think that one over there just moved."

"...Can we agree that this place is not our forte and just go to our usual Italian diner? I'll throw in my mouth for an extra hour tonight if necessary."

"Okay yeah it definitely just moved. You don't even have to go down on me, we're leaving. This state is weird."

"It's Maine, dear. And you're the one that insists on vacationing here once a year at least."

"But Rachel...you know what's here. I can't not visit. It's sacred to me after the series finale we do not speak about by name."

"Sometimes I'm convinced I married a 16 year old… Dinner first. You promised."

"Of course. Dinner for my Love, then a little sightseeing, then back to the cottage so we can get some good sleep before tomorrow. I'm going to win this year. I can feel it."

"You said that last year. And the year before. And the year before that. And the year before that, and-"

"Yeah, but this year I've got a secret weapon. Those basic bitches aren't even prepared for this apple pie."

"You mean the one Kurt helped you bake? And by helped I mean did 90% of the actual work of?"

"Hey the rules don't say anything about getting outside help. And I mean, he's a fucking pastry chef. What else am I going to use him for? Hi, can we get our normal table please?"

"You 'use him' for a lot of things besides baking, ironically enough. Were you not both ridiculously gay I'd think you married."

"We'd either kill each other in the first month or have ridiculously amazing sex for a month and then go through a bitter drunken divorce before returning back to catty, hateful best friends. But that aside, have I told you how awesome you are for coming out here with me. I mean things are so hectic back home and we're going to be moving into the new house like right after we get back, but you're still here to remember this day with me. It means a lot Rach."

"I think the actual event is the most absurd thing in existence, but you're sexy when you're winning me prizes at the game booths, and this diner is my most favorite on the East Coast. Also, I love you, quite a bit. And you DID sit through a Streisand marathon with me without a single complaint last month."

"Well all is fair. Oh thank god. Yes just keep filling up that wine, Buddy. Alright, to us, good food that doesn't move, and the memory of Swan Queen."

"I'll toast the food and a delicious night of you and me having amazing sex on silk sheets next to the ocean."

"Toast to Swan Queen and I'll let you ride my dick for an extra hour tonight."

"Extra hour AND you go down on me without limiting when or how much I can orgasm."

"Deal. Now, Viva La Swan Queen!"


	9. Chapter 9

R: "SAN! Brittany is here to see you! ….Again…!"

S: "Oh fucking christ it's like a lesbian nightma- ooooh wow hey Brittany. Rachel let you in. Already. Thank you dear for doing that."

R: "Mmmhm. I'm going to go up to our bedroom. That we share every night. And have outrageous sex together on the regular in. You two have fun."

S: "Traitor… Brittany, hi…"

_B: "Does Rachel still have you under her Gremlin spell? Quinn says she found a book to help with that."_

S: "Britt, the book Quinn was referring to was a legal dictionary concerning divorce court proceedings. And bitch best back up or I'ma find that guy who was trying to sue her and take his case back. Now what are you doing here Brittany? I told you that this had to stop."

_B: "San… Rachel is cute and stuff. I guess. But come on… You can't even say it's because she's smarter than me. Or more talented. But everyone already knew that. I don't see why we just can't be together forever like we planned. I mean, it's just Rachel."_

S: "Because what we planned was all wrong, Brittany. We, you and I, what we had wasn't good, for either of us. What I have with Rachel is amazing. Why can't you just see that? It's not about talent or intelligence at all because those are both non issues. It's not a contest. It just is what it is."

_B: "I think you're making a mistake, S. I think you want really badly to be happy, and you can pretend with Rachel, and she's okay with letting you pretend because she knows she'd be an old spinster otherwise. But she'll never compare to what we had. And she'll never know you like I do. Not completely. I'll always have 18 more years of Santana knowledge than she will. And-"_

S: "Goddamnit Brittany just stop! Stop talking and listen to me and listen to me fucking carefully because this is the last time I'm saying this! You're right, Rachel and I don't have what you and I had, we have more. We have more of everything. We have understanding and passion and love. We build each other up and we make each other perfect dammit! You and I made each other miserable half the time and you know it! You might have been first but Rachel...Rachel is better. She's better because if the tables were turned she wouldn't...s-she wouldn't be standing here making me feel like absolute shit right now!"

_B: "Because she wouldn't love you enough to try and make you see the truth. But fine. I'll leave for now. But I know that we belong together. And I think you know it, too. ...Bye, San. I'll see you around…"_

R: "... ...Santana… Are you- Oh… sweetie… What happened…?"

S: "I-I just got so damn pissed off and I yelled and she just made me feel even shittier and she fucking started crying, fuck!"

R: "Shhhhh… Let's go upstairs, okay? How about I draw us a hot bath, and you can hold me for awhile. How does that sound?"

S: "Please. Fuck I'm so sorry this shit keeps following us, Rach. How did she even get our address? Jesus if she has it that mean Quinn has it too."

R: "I'm sure we'll know soon enough. Most likely by tomorrow morning. And don't apologize. It's not your fault in the least. Let's just relax in our new jacuzzi tub and pretend for awhile that we're still in Maine and our biggest concern is what order we'll eat, sleep, and have sex in."

S: "Love you Rach."

R: "Love you, too, Santana. Now carry me, please. I ran down here when I heard the door slam and I think I strained my ankle."

S: "You got it, Babe."


	10. Chapter 10

"Oh god...oh fuck I knew this was going to happen soon. I could see them yesterday and they saw me and fuck. Rachel hide."

"You said you dodged them! Crap- They're at the front door- Don't look out the window!"

"I tried to dodge them, but this isn't Harry Potter, I can't just apparate to our damn door step out of sight. I swear to god if they ask us to a block party or social event I'm gonna throw the coffee table at them...hey they have cake."

"Santana, focus. Also, contractually, since you tipped them off first, you're obligated to handle the brunt of the greeting force. Have fun. I'll be in the kitchen."

"Not so fast Slick! Oh hello neighbors! This is my wife, Rachel. Rachel say hello."

"_Traitor._ Hi! It's lovely to meet you! Oh, what a lovely cake, thank you. Say thank you to the nice people for the cake, Santana. - Don't mind her, she's a little socially inept at times. Happens to the best of us with age, I'm afraid."

"It's true. What can I say? I'm a New Yorker at heart. Yep, New York, it was great, we moved here for work. It was a big chance, and I know Rachel misses all of her friends. She was in a big tupperware group so...oh well isn't that convenient. Babe, they have tupperware parties here too. I told you."

"Oh, no, sweetie, I couldn't. It's not fair for me to be having fun and you be all alone. I know how much you miss the knitting gals. Hm? Oh yes, Santana adores knitting. She's trying to learn crochet as well! She was just telling me last night that she wishes she had a group to practice with. Oh really? Honey, look! A whole knitting and crochet club! Isn't this exciting?"

"Y_ou go too far Rachel._ Oh yeah, I love me some knitting. What are you gals working on? Oh...oh baby blankets huh? Well Rachel, maybe you should-"

"Oh, gosh, look at the time. I'm so sorry. We were actually just stepping out to meet up with a close friend of ours for dinner. It will probably take the rest of the night. Santana loves to talk, after all. Yes, yes, I can't wait for an invite. I'll surely try to clear my schedule. And don't worry, Santana will definitely check that club out. Okay, wonderful, thank you, bye~ …. Santana Lopez if I get one question about when we plan on 'starting a family', or a reminder that 'the clock is ticking' there will be terrible consequences."

"To be fair you tried to ditch in the first place. But don't worry. I have a plan. All we need is a goat, a machete, and a recording of babies crying and the Stepford wives won't come near our house again."

"No. Better plan; we have more sex outside of the soundproof areas of the house and let them draw their own conclusions. Trying to figure out if we're allowed a goat in this zoning area would be a hassle and I feel as though babies crying would traumatize Kristoff, Elsa, and Anna."

"Rachel, while I'd love to have more loud fun sex with you everywhere I'm not sure that's gonna help. The chick with the cupcakes looked particularly 'thirsty' to me if you get what I mean. I'm not down for our marriage to turn into their spank bank material. What we need is a good one time move that will turn the whole block off enough to leave us in peace, not knowing our neighbor's names like God intended."

"Historically knowing and being well acquainted with one's neighbors was vital to survival. However, this is the 21st century and I'm too young and successful to be thrown into the same group as 50 year old house-wives. While I respect their choices and dedication to their families and personal life-styles, I can't think of a single thing I'd care to know about them, or converse with them about. So… I vote we move again."

"Really? That's your master plan? Wait! I got it. Oh it's genius. One swift move that will alienate every single one of them to the point all we'll ever get is polite head nods. What's loud, ostentatious, rude, and something that no suburb should ever experience?"

"I thought we already nixed the loud sex."

"No, no we're still doing that. I'm talking about something on a whole other level. Glee. Club. Reunion. Pool. Party."

"...All the Glee Club…"

"All of em. Even those weird kids that Schue had for like one year before it crashed and burned. When that day is over, the neighbor kids will treat our house like the damn haunted one."

"This is a terrible idea and I don't know if I have the mental fortitude to invite that much potential drama and headache into my home…"

"That's the genius of it, Babe. It's a pool party. They'll all be locked outside while we'll be inside implementing your loud sex plan."

"You know for a fact they won't want to be outside the whole time and will expect us to be proper hostesses. Which we should be. Some of them ARE still very close friends, Santana. ...I have a better idea. One that doesn't involve making either of us wanting to become homicidal."

"Alright lay it out before I dig up Schue's number."

"We simply continue to ignore them at every turn, not bother participating in community events, etc. Kill them with, well, rudeness, frankly. I find that ostracizing ones-self is nearly as effective as being ostracized. And that the first tends to lead to the latter. They're all ridiculously built up upon ideas of self-importance in this tiny little gated community. Refusing to play a part in the politics will infuriate them. They'll do all the hard work for us, most likely. AND we can continue to have loud sex."

"I guess you're right, BUT I swear if one person comes over asking to borrow our damn lawn mower or offering us their children's old clothing, I'm calling up Quinn, Puck, and Quinn 2.0 and asking him which one was better in bed in the back yard."

"Don't ruin Noah's relationship, Santana. She looks vaguely like Quinn but has a much better personality. Anyway, no. Just slam the door in their face and tell them to eff off. Also, we don't have a lawn mower, remember? We pay someone to mow our lawn for us. It came with the house." '

"Rachel Berry-Lopez. I do believe you've grown up. There was a time you would have fed off this drama like a newborn on a tit."

"One; unnecessary imagery. Two; drama that I direct and create for TV or the stage is vastly different than drama continuously interrupting my life and peace of mind. Besides, the cats would be terrified of all the people and poor Kristoff would run himself into the ground trying to give as much attention to every person possible. Don't send our puppy to an early grave, sweetie. He's too adorable and cuddly."

"Alright, alright. So...how bout we put poor Kristoff in one of the sound proofed rooms and go at it like teenagers? It's been what? Four hours since we last had sex?"

"Or you can do what you were supposed to be doing before the 'welcome party' came and taking him for his afternoon run while I finish reading through this new script. Sex later, Santana. Take care of your dog first."

"Our dog. And I want you spread out on the kitchen counter when I get back in an hour. Bye."

"Bed or no deal, Lopez! Have fun~"


	11. Chapter 11

R: "Santana, put your penis away and come downstairs. Your parents just showed up for a surprise visit. Your mother brought tortillas."

S: "Haha very fun- oh shit Mami!"

R: "I did try to warn you…"

_M: "Santana, what are you doing? Get up, put your pants on! Is this how you greet your parents? I know I raised a more polite daughter than this!"_

S: "Jesus Christ Mami what are you doing here? Phones! We have phones for a reason. Rachel, baby, a little help… My shirt maybe?"

_M: "That is why it is a surprise visit, mija. Hurry up and come downstairs and tell your Papi and I all about your new place and neighbors."_

R: "...Well…. This will be exciting…"

S: "Oh yeah, very exciting. Jesus I feel like I'm 15 again and she's doing a surprise shakedown of my room."

_M: "Santana! We're waiting!"_

S: "Un minuto Mami! Jesus Christ… would you please stop laughing, Babe?"

R: "I have to get my amusement out of this before they turn on me and start asking for grandchildren. Again. Which you never help out with, mind you."

S: "Maybe I'm not completely unopposed to the idea of a mini you, what can I say? Hey Papi!"

**S: "Santana! My little girl! Move so I can hug Rachel."**

_M: "Rachel, sweetie, do you girls have a maid coming in regularly? This table is dusty and I know cleaning isn't one of your strong suits."_

R: "Hello, Papa Lopez, it's wonderful to see you both. And no, we've tried several and haven't found a decent one yet. I apologize for the state of the house. You know how Santana gets when she's busy; long hours at the office, etc. Why just yesterday I had to remind her again to walk Kristoff in the afternoon when she came home for lunch."

_M: "Santi, be responsible! That poor animal is depending on you!"_

S: "Si, I know Mami! I'll try har-"

_M: "And Rachel, mija maybe if Santi is working such long hours you should work on the house more. After all you don't want to bring my future grandk-"_

S: "Mami! Papi! So how did you get here? Did you drive all the way from Lima?"

**S: "No your mother woke me up this morning and said let's go see Santana and Rachel, and two hours later I was on a plane. Rachel, I hope for your sake Santana doesn't turn into her mother when she get's older."**

_M: "Oh silencio Santos. I'm perfect!"_

S: "Jesus Christ…"

R: "I can only hope that Santana is as wonderful and domestically talented as Maribel is in the future, Santos. I think that would be lovely."

S: "_Suck up._"

_M: "Ah, see, Rachel is just a sweet thing. My Santana is so lucky to have somehow tricked you into falling in love with her! And stop mumbling, Santana. You're not six anymore."_

**S: "Maribel it was no trick. That's the Lopez Charm right there. Works every time."**

R: "Something like that, yes…."

_M: "Oh please Santos, you couldn't charm a flea off of Kristoff."_

S: "So! How long are you staying for?"

_M: "What's that supposed to mean? Rachel are we interrupting some kind of plans that my daughter had? Is she too busy for her parents? By the way what have you girls been eating? Are you hungry?"_

R: "Oh, no, no, nothing important. Santana is just excited to you see you! You know she has the next couple of days off and she was just telling me how much she wished you were here to help around the house and teach her more recipes for the kitchen. This is wonderful timing."

_M: "Excellent! Muy bien! We'll be here four days. That should be more than enough time to improve your lack-luster skills in the kitchen, mija. It's no wonder Rachel is so small! How is she going to be able to support a baby if-"_

R: "How about we show you both to the guestroom."

_M: "That would be lovely Rachel! I'm glad you have two so the Berry men and us don't have to double up like we did in that awful New York apartment."_

S: "I'm sorry what?"

**S: "It's a trap mija. Leroy and Hiram will be here later tonight."**

R: "My fathers? Why didn't they call? Or write!? They know I hate surprises! Oh when I get my hands on them- Santana, show my wonderful in-laws the guestroom. I have a phone call to make."

S: "This is too much…Mami, if you'll follow me."

**S: "I'm sorry Rachel. Leroy and I tried to stop them but it was too late. Just a warning, I would try Hiram's cell because I'm sure he took Leroy's like Mari took mine."**

R: "Thank you for trying, Santos. Don't worry. I may not be able to do anything in retaliation to Maribel, but my fathers are certainly not off-limits. Oh those men. I swear…"

_M: "Rachel, sweetie! Where is your vacuum cleaner? These rugs need to be gone over!"_

R: "Mami!"

_M: "What?!" _


	12. Chapter 12

S: "Oh no! Uh-uh I handled the last lesbian drama blow up! Rachel the door is for you this time! And _you_ keep it quiet bitch cause ALL of our parents are here."

**Q: "Fuck off."**

R: "Oh Lord help me… Hello, Quinn… What can I do for you this evening?"

**Q: "Oh I was just in the neighborhood, Rach. I see Santana is as annoying as ever?"**

R: "Santana's been lovely, as usual, Quinn. We live 20 miles away from you. This is a gated community. It is literally impossible to 'just be in the neighborhood'."

**Q: "Okay, fair enough. Fine, I, uh, I need to talk to you about something. I want you on a project I'm working on."**

R: "... Ah huh… And what is this project, if I may…?"

**Q: "Assuming that Santana actually lets you out of your cage once in a while-"**

R: "You're losing a lot of points by assuming that I am somehow trapped in an abusive relationship and unable to go about my day and leave my house freely, Quinn. Try again, without attacking my wife of nearly six years."

**Q: "I'm just saying the occasional bruises on your body speak otherwise but fine, I'll play it your way. The Soul Cutter series. I finally convinced the author to let us set up a movie deal. I want you to direct it."**

R: "You realize I have an agent for going through these sorts of things with, right? You give him the script and draft of what you want, he looks it over, decides if it's worth my time, then comes to me and I decide if it's worth more of my time. That said, I know the series, yes, and I fail to see how I'm qualified to direct a horror-mystery film."

**Q: "Of course I realize you have an agent Rach, I've got one, Britt's got one, hell even Puck has one for some reason. But...we're friends. I don't want to deal with your agent I want to deal with you. This series is the biggest thing since The Hunger Games, and we've already lined up several big names for it. You would have complete control of everything, even script override; this is the biggest chance you could imagine Rach. And I want to give it to you. For old time's sake."**

R: "Siiigh… I'll consider it. I suppose I would be insane not to take the opportunity, after all. I'll talk to Santana tonight and have an answer for you in the morning after I discuss the details with my agent and lawyer, and we figure out what the contract will involve, etc."

**Q: "You really have to discuss it with her? Jesus, okay, okay no need to get the brow furrow going. Look, this is the script. I'm going to be busy all morning working with the casting department, so how about you and I meet up tomorrow night to discuss it more? Maybe dinner? Completely professional I swear."**

R: "I don't 'have' to discuss anything with Santana. I choose to. Especially very important career things that could affect both of our lives and schedules. That's sort of what married couples who love one another do, Quinn. I'll agree to dinner, as professionals. If this becomes anything else I'm walking out, however. Mainly because I have two sets of parents to worry about this week and I don't need extra stress."

**Q: "Excellent. I'll call you tomorrow then after I'm done with the department. If you need anything...I mean if Santana...well you know, reacts 'badly'...call my personal cell. Bye Rach!"**

S: "You know I really do fucking hate her."

R: "Mmm… But this opportunity is ridiculously huge. Plus with the money we could afford that trip to Cabo without you having to take those two extra cases. Also, feel free to be rougher tonight. If Quinn wants to complain about my bruises from our love-making I might as well give her something to really complain about and-"

S: "Rachel. Shh...while you know how much I thoroughly appreciate you indulging my pathological need to fuck with Tubbers's head, it's not needed. This isn't anything you have to convince me of, Baby. If you want that job I'm 110% behind you. I'd be behind you even if this was a shitty indie film."

R: "As if I would ever. But really, the last part was less suggesting and more me asking. I'm going to consider it a test to see how well she'll actually be able to keep this dinner professional as promised. ...Also I enjoy the biting and minor choking. You know that."

S: "Mmm I definitely do…. You know that she's going to try something, right? Maybe not tomorrow night, but eventually? It's Quinn. If she's not scheming she's not breathing. And it's obvious that she still has lady-wood for you, more so because I have you and she doesn't."

R: "While I find your choice of word crude and unnecessary, you're probably right. Worst case scenario I end up having to sue her for harassment in the workplace. It'd be very time consuming and quite the headache, but maybe that would manage to get through to her. At any rate, let's get back inside. The parents will be going to bed soon and then I can finally have you to myself for a few hours."

S: "Good thing you know a great team of Entertainment lawyers huh, Babe? And that sounds like anexcellent fucking idea to me, especially if we're going to do heavy marks tonight. Also, you love my 'crude and unnecessary ass' Rach."

R: "I love your ass, yes. Not the crude and unnecessary part. Come on then, dear. I think I heard Dad head upstairs for the night.."


	13. Chapter 13

"You owe Kurt 50 dollars. Quinn mentioned the bruising on my neck and shoulder blade 30 minutes into our dinner, not 10, as you had suggested. I already told him the results as well."

"Wow, she waited a whole 30 minutes? Color me fucking impressed. It's so weird when everyone starts growing up at once. Now, please, please describe the scene in excruciating detail."

"We sat down, ordered drinks. She tried to buy me wine and I said I'd prefer water. Surprisingly she didn't insist. We did, in fact, manage to talk mostly about the script and the movie, and I gave her the list of things I wanted in my contract that Jaime and I worked out today. When our food arrived I was exactly three bites into my salad when she set her fork down, reached over to put her hand on mine, and with the most heartfelt sincerity asked if I needed help. I told her I was perfectly capable of eating a salad on my own. I feel that I found more amusement in that than she did, however."

"Oh god! Yes. Please tell me she offered to put you up in her place or something like that. Wait! No, a shelter I bet?"

"Hers. Also said that if I needed to talk she was there, reminded me that no matter what she would always be there for me, etc, etc. It would have been sweet had it not essentially be been insulting our marriage and relationship in six different ways. Along with my own autonomy."

"Well don't you know that's coming from just the deepest most sincere part of her autonomy? And I'm not talking about that icy thing she calls her heart."

"Quinn has a good heart. Just a very, very thick head and some sort of inability to comprehend other peoples happiness when it isn't directly attached to her and her own happiness. ...Do you still have your old therapist's number? She did wonders with your rage issues. Maybe she can help Quinn."

"Oh I'm sure she's just gonna eat that suggestion up like bacon, but I'll look for it in the morning. In the meantime, Quinn Fabgay's pent up raging hard-on a side, how's the project looking? You gonna do it you think?"

"Yes. It's interesting. I'll be making adjustments to the script with some help from Mike, and I might ask Andrew for help as well. Of course this means I'll also have the read the books over again a few times, which, well… It will be interesting, considering I am less than thrilled about the genre. But I don't want to do the books a disservice."

"No def can't have that. Soooo who are you casting as Anne and who is going to be Saraphine, cause you know I think there's something going on with them, and if you just maybe take it a little more in that direc-"

"Santana, sweetie, geek out later please. Also, I'll only add as much subtext as in the books. Nothing extra."

"Just a few glances maybe? I mean what harm could that do?"

"Am I going to have to take these signed, first edition books back, or…?"

"Annaphine is forever! I'm going to bed now."

"Hmph… Fine. I'll sleep on the couch. I can see how appreciated I am tonight."

"Urgh… I'm sorry. You know how I feel about these kinds of things. Babe, come on."

"I sit through a ridiculously long and mind-numbing dinner with Quinn Fabray, specifically make sure I can have script power so that I can keep the movies true to the books because I know how much you love them, and deal with Quinn implying that I am being abused, and I come home, and all you can think about is a fictional couple and whether or not I'll have them glance at one another a few more times than is written. Also, I got these books just for you. And you don't even care"

"I know. I'm a worm. I need help. My name is Santana Lopez and I have trouble distinguishing between fiction and reality. Please can we go to bed. I'll make it up to you, I promise. Like, section 9, paragraph 4 make it up to you."

"A hello kiss would have been nice, even. Or a hug. You know I don't ask for much when it comes to these things. I think I'm very accepting and accommodating, honestly. I go to a 'SwanQueen remembrance fair' every year with you across the country."

"You're amazing. Stupendous even. Like, no joke, anyone else probably would have hit me over the head with something large and blunt years ago. Please let me make it up to you. Sec 9, para 4, AND I'll take your Dad and my Mami shopping tomorrow. You can just stay home and read. Scouts honor."

"...Alright… Fine… I still want my kiss and hug, though. It was very disheartening not to receive those upon walking in the door."

"I know. I'm not worthy. Come here." *peck* "So sorry."

"Mmm… You're lucky I adore you so much… Let's go to bed. Quinn is exhausting and I need my favorite all-in-one heated pillow-blanket."

"Heated pillow-blanket wife you mean I hope?"

"Best wife in the world, when she isn't being an ass."


	14. Chapter 14

"No. I'm not doing it. I'm sorry Rachel but there are limits, and this is one of them. And you promised after last time you wouldn't try to make me do it again."

"Section 9, paragraph 4."

"No, we're not playing that game. You need to come up with 3 good reasons why I have to be a part of this."

"You love me, it was the only way I could get us out of cooking with your mother all day, I sat through you and your father having a contest of all you can eat chicken legs last night and let you kiss me when you won without throwing up afterwards."

"But Raaaachel… rollerblading? Really? With PUCK!? What does he have to do with the movie anyways?"

"...You don't keep track of what he actually does, do you…? Santana, he's a composition artist. He's writing half the score for the movie. And rollerblading is fun! It's not even disco or anything. Just regular rollerblading. You're not even bad at it."

"Well I'm definitely not good at it either. Can't we do something else? Something I don't look like an idiot at 33% of the time. You know how I feel about failing in front of Puck. It inflates his ego too much."

"Santana. Chicken contest. I let you kiss me. You hadn't even wiped your face off yet. Frankly I think I deserve a Streisand marathon for that, but all I'm asking is you to come rollerblading with me and Noah."

"Okay, fine. But, you just wait until the tables are turned Rachel-"

"Oh no, no you don't. I may have legitimate reasons as to why you should ALSO do this, but you cited Section 9, paragraph 4 the other night. Explicitly. Twice. This is me taking you up on that. Which means you can't get revenge. Don't even think about trying to turn this around just because I didn't ask for something like extra kinky sex or whatever you were hoping for."

"I have no intention of getting revenge. I always hold up my end of contracts. But, as history has proven, time and time again, neither of us can go more than a few months before we screw up something. I'm just saying that the next time the clause is evoked for me, I'll remember rollerblading. Now, let's go. Puck should never be left unsupervised in public for longer than an hour and you know it. Remember Vegas?"

"Santana, you were with Noah. You took him to the club and gave him the extra three hundred dollars. And you were right there throwing money at the strippers equally drunk."

"I don't deny that. But, seriously. I turned around for thirty minutes to play pool and the next thing I know I'm bailing the idiot out of jail. I gave Kurt twice that much money and all he did was go and see a show, get drunk on cosmos, and pass out in the hotel room for 12 hours."

"You two also kissed. It was hilarious. You said he had soft lips and he said your face was pretty. Exact words, by the way."

"Sometimes you're hurtful, Babe. Now come on. Let's go see how big of a fool I can make of myself."


	15. Chapter 15

R: "In a sudden twist of events, neither Quinn nor Brittany nor our parents are at the door. It's Kurt. It looked like he has cookies and- Hey! No pushing! Santana Maria Lopez!"

S: "You said no pushing. This isn't me pushing. It's me carrying. We're coming Kurt!"

_K: "Too much information, Santana~!"_

R: "Can you let me down now? This is ridiculous and if you drop me I'm suing for emotional and physical damages."

S: "You'd lose. I'd bribe the judge. Hey Kurty old boy, old pal, please tell me those are _the cookies._"

_K: "They are indeed, Satan."_

S: "Oh thank god bec-...wait...why are you bringing the magic cookies over? These are only for special occasions or very bad news."

R: "...That's true… ...Oh God what did Santana do?"

S: "Hey!"

_K: "Surprisingly, nothing. However, this conversation would best be done inside the house. Santana, find Kristoff and hold him."_

R: "You only have her do that when she has to keep from beating someone up."

_K: "Yes. Exactly. So get the dog and we can eat cookies and talk about what I just learned exactly one hour ago."_

S: "I don't want to hold Kristoff. I want to beat up whoever or whatever is the cause of these cookies. But fine, fine, keep your panties on. Also, I wouldn't sit-"

_K: "Oh lord I forgot about your demon cat! Every time! These pants are new!"_

S: "There.."

R: "Sigh… I'm sorry, Kurt. Santana will replace the pants. Santana, get Kristoff. You know it's part of your anger management."

S: "What she means is _we'll_ replace them. Kristoff! Come here boy. Good boy. Come on up so Mami can't get off the couch and kill someone. Babe...he brought a lot of cookies. You wanna put Elsa up? This is obviously gonna take a while."

_K: "Yes please put up Satan's familiar."_

R: "Yes, yes. I'll put Anna and her in the spare room. One moment."

_K: "You trained that cat to ruin my clothes. I know you did."_

S: "That's what you get for ruining my boots Lady Face."

_K: "Santana that was nearly 8 years ago! And they were hideous."_

S: "Not as hideous as your face."

_K: "They weren't even designer. You got them at a flea shop in Soho for two dollars and a stick of gum!"_

S: "Do you wanna go Kurt? Cause I'll go. We can go right now. Just you, me, and Elsa."

_K: "How in the world does Rachel put up with you on a day to day basis?"_

S: "True love Kurt. True love. Now level with me. How much am I going to want to commit murder in 10 minutes."

_K: "On a scale of one to ten, I'd say a strong 8."_

R: "Santana, I'm going to remind you that in exactly two weeks you are no longer allowed to hold that shoe thing against Kurt and have to untrain Elsa. We had a deal. I'd let you hold that grudge for exactly 8 years. 8 years ends in two weeks."

_K: "Oh thank God. Now can we please focus?"_

R: "Of course, Kurt. Carry on."

_K: "Quinn went to the tabloids about your relationship."_

R: "What!?"

S: "What!? Kristoff down!"

R: "Kristoff, stay! Good boy."

_K: "NOT about… Okay, she didn't say anything directly. It was… She made some commentary. Some papz asked her what she thought of you two. Well, they asked about her working with Rachel on this movie. Quinn wasn't stupid or anything. But neither are the tabloids. They know what to spin and how to spin just right. Long story short it's all over the lowest of the low papers and newstands that 'pezberry' is on the rocks and Rachel took this movie to put space between the two of you, seeking out Quinn for a strong shoulder to lean on in her time of trouble."_

R: "Kristoff, stay! Good boy."

S: "Down!-"

R: "Stay."

S: "Oh that bitch doesn't even know. I swear to god. It's one thing to tramp up here like the wicked witch of West Hollywood, but this is too much; way too fucking much. Jesus does she even know what damage she could cause if the papz get real hungry and start digging? There's a reason we've kept our life private. I'm not ashamed about our relationship, but I've got a 7 and a half inch secret I'd like to remain secret. And this could hurt Rachel's career. You know how fucking producers are. They react to drama like a deer caught in headlights; do nothing and then run as soon as the fucking spotlight is off them. Kristoff down!"

_K: "Kristoff stay! I should have brought more cookies, shouldn't I have?"_

R: "Okay, calm down. Everyone just calm down. I didn't want to do this, but I did make Quinn explicitly aware of what the consequences of such actions would be. So, tomorrow morning I'm calling Sarah and we're going to start putting together a suit. I'm tired of this and our personal life being dragged through the coals just because Quinn can't act like a mature adult. If she wants to play this way, fine, so be it. But Santana, you are not the one she's going to have to worry about. If she thinks for one moment I am going to sit by and let her set me aside as though I am a trophy or lost soul that needs saving she has several things coming to her and none of them are pleasant."

_K: "Funnily enough, I received a fascinating text from Quinn. Something about 'bruises' and 'odd markings' on your body, Rachel. I told her to Google BDSM relationships. But I'm assuming she sent the same text to everyone else not knowing that literally no one in our group of friends would even remotely believe that there was abuse going on for more than two seconds. And then I would assume Rachel was 'abusing' Santana via withholding cookies or steak."_

R: "Well, at least that's true enough. Keep any texts she sends you."

_K: "Of course."_

S: "...I'm going to go take a shower. Kurt thanks for coming over. I'll see you later. Kristoff, down boy."

_K: "Oh dear… Should I bring more cookies tomorrow…?"_

R: "That would be greatly appreciated, yes. Thank you, Kurt, for going out of your way to tell us personally. I appreciate it."

_K: "Of course, Rachel. My pants aside, Santana is a very dear friend. The both of you are. And this is getting out of hand a la high school, but with much bigger, more real consequences."_

R: "We'll talk more tomorrow. I love you. And now I have to go keep my wife from spiralling."

_K: "Goodnight, dear. Text me in the morning to tell me how Santana is doing."_

R: "... Sigh… Santana, sweetie? May I join you…?"

S: "Please."

R: "...I'm sorry this happened… And I'm sorry that this is hurting you. That I let Quinn into a position where she can hurt you…"

S: "You don't have anything to apologize for Rach...I just...I can't stand the thought that people would think I would actually physically hurt you. I'd rather fucking die first."

R: "Anyone who actually believes that isn't worth a mention to begin with, Santana. Including Quinn Fabray. She'll believe anything if it means getting what she wants. That's how it's always been."

S: "Trust me, I'm more than familiar with what she'll do. Look...I was thinking...you trust me right? I mean you know that I know Quinn Fabray?"

R: "...I trust you with my life, and the lives of our two cats and puppy. Why…?"

S: "Okay...hear me out. I agree that this shit has gone way too far. But...I think you should hold off on calling Sarah. Let me talk to her first. A suit like this is going to be long and messy and if we think the papz are an issue now...it'll be a feeding frenzy. Let me go talk to her. I know Quinn. I know how to get down on her level. And once upon a time, a long time ago, she was the closest thing I had to a best friend. I promise no violence save for a few slaps probably, well most likely. But let's be real, slapping is how Quinn and I say hello at this point."

R: "... ...Okay… I don't like that she'll probably perceive it as you flying in to save the day, or something like that… but, more than anything she attacked you today, and in general. So you deserve the chance to put her in her place. But if anything goes wrong, lawsuit or not, I'm finding a way to take her down."

S: "Thank you Baby. And I don't doubt that's what she'll probably take it as at first, but when I'm done she'll wise up. I just...I need you to trust me, and not ask what goes down okay? In order to fight Quinn sometimes you have to get down in the gutter with her and just duke it out. I just feel like I owe it to her to try it this way before we sue her ass to kingdom come."

R: "Alright, yes… I won't ask questions. Only that you stay safe and come home in one piece. Kristoff and Anna would be very upset if you only had one hand to pet them with. As would I."

S: "Deal, now can we just...go lay down. I wanna hold you for a while."

R: "You can hold me forever, dear. Let's go to bed."


	16. Chapter 16

S: "Well Quinn, you're looking puffy and self-important as usual. Thanks for meeting me here so quick."

**Q: "What do you want, S? I'm busy actually, you know, trying to get a movie off the ground for your 'wife'."**

S: "Really? You call dragging Rachel's name through the fucking tabloids helping? Jesus Quinn, I know you're fucked up, but this was a shit move even for you. Attacking me sure? But Rachel?"

**Q: "I didn't attack her, you bitch! I said what needed to be said, that you're taking advantage of her and she needs someone to be there for her. To actually treat her right."**

S: "Jesus Christ Q, would you listen to yourself? You have no idea- no you know what? No. We're not doing this. This is not why I called you to meet me. I am not going to defend my marriage to you all because you couldn't gather up the balls in High School to tell Rachel how you felt."

**Q: "This has nothing to do with that, Satan. I'm being a friend and having Rachel's back. Which is a hell of a lot more than you do. Dragging her across country just because you couldn't hack it in New York, not even letting her live in LA because you can't deal with Brittany like a fucking adult. It's pathetic. And Rachel is suffering because you're a fucking coward!"**

S: "Okay bitch. Let's get a few fucking things out of the way. One; I did you a fucking favor when we moved out here. If I had stayed in New York, your ass would be broke as fuck and probably living on the streets, or have you forgotten that little lawsuit that got thrown your way. Two! Rachel and I decided to live out of the city so we could get the occasional break from your asses showing up on our doorstep like fucking herpes every other day. Three! And this one is very fucking important blondie, so listen up! This shit. All of it ends now. Your version of "being a friend" has got Rachel's name dragged across every shitrag paper in the nation. And that is not fucking okay. Did you even stop for one second to think how your words were going to affect her?"

**Q: "If- If Rachel had an issue with it she could have come to me. She doesn't need you acting like some hero-"**

S: "Oh trust me, Rachel has a big fucking issue with it. In fact your ass is lucky that I'm the one here, and not her. Because if it was up to Rachel, you'd be getting served papers right now for slander and sexual harassment. She was ready to call her damn lawyer-"

**Q: "That's-! No. You're fucking lying. You ALWAYS lie. There's no way Rachel would do that. She- She has no REASON to. I haven't done anything to-"**

S: "NO Quinn! I'm not the liar here, you are. You have always been a manipulative little cunt and we both know it. So don't for a second try to act all innocent with me because you know, that I know you better than that. Rachel was going to call Sarah in the morning, BUT I convinced her to let me talk to you first. Now do yourself a favor for once in your life and sit down and shut up!"

**Q: "This is- FUCK YOU, Santana Lopez! You and your self-righteous bullshit! You think just because you're some small time lawyer and can ride on Rachel's coat-tails that you can do whatever the fuck you damn well please! Every since High School you've been a back-stabbing bitch! I'm surprised you haven't found a way to play up Rachel's success more for yourself. But then again we always knew you just wanted a rich husband to do all the dirty work for you. You've been sluttin' it up since 8th grade giving and getting hand-jobs and God knows it's probably the only way you managed to get through school without dropping out and begging Rachel to take you in!"**

S: "Oh Quinn...you know what? I'm over your shit. I'm over everything you just said. You wanna know why? Because at the end of the night, I go home to Rachel. I go home to my wife who loves me more than anything in the world. But you were right about one thing Quinny; I am a back-stabbing bitch, which is something you really should be wary of. You wanna play dirty, drag our names through the tabloids, be my guest, but remember I can play just as dirty. Rachel may be willing to take the high road, in fact that's the only road she can take, cause let's face it, she's always been better than us. But I'm not that big of a person. So here's the deal; tomorrow you're going to release a statement to fix this mess, I don't care what it says really. Say the papz took it out of context, hell deny ever saying it, whatever works, just as long as it's done. You feel me Lucy Caboosey?"

**Q: "And why the fuck would I do that, Lopez?"**

S: "Because if you don't, a little birdy is gonna spill every single one of your dirty secrets to the press, starting with the baby born out of wedlock, right up to the big ole lesbian crush you've been harboring for years. I will destroy every iota of your public reputation and you know I have the ammo to do it Quinn. The drunken parents, the bad dye job, the kidnapping plot, every single minute of it will be aired out in a minute. And yeah, Rachel will probably be pissed, maybe even enough to leave me for such a dirty move, but, with the heat on you, her reputation will remain intact. So your move bitch. Take this chance, or say goodbye to this perfect little life you've managed to build up. And Quinn, look at me, you know I'm not bluffing."

**Q: "You don't think I can't destroy you just as quickly, Lopez? Especially considering your little friend you've got hanging between your legs?"**

S: "I'll take the centerfold spot in Playgirl if it means keeping Rachel safe."

**Q: "...Fine. But this isn't over, Santana. I know something's going on in that house, and it's bad news for Rachel. So you better watch your back."**

S: "Believe what you want I don't give a flying fuck Barbie. Just as long as you keep Rachel out of this fake little war you've constructed in that head of yours. Also, look...take this fucking card okay. Lord knows you need help. Press release tomorrow by noon, or tomorrow by one everyone in the free world finds out about Babygate. Got it?"

**Q: "Whatever. See you around, Lopez."**

_\/\/Phone Conversation\/\/_

S: "Hey Babe, I'm on my way home. Want me to bring food?"

R: "That sounds lovely, sweetie. Thai food, perhaps? I have a craving- Oh! That reminds me, pick up some treats for Kristoff, please. He did very well at training today and I want to show you what he learned. Even Elsa seemed mildly impressed."

S: "Sure Love. And I'm mildly impressed you got through that entire, little prepared ramble without asking how it went. Before you do, it went good. Problem solved. Quinn's releasing a statement tomorrow to fix the damage."

R: "I did promise not to ask questions. You can reward me for my good behavior tonight, though."

S: "Deal. I get thai and dog treats, you get the flogger out and oil it up."


End file.
